July 2, 2015

random.

Yesterday was one of the most random days ever.

 

I was basically riding the Titan of emotional roller coasters.. (yet again)..  It wasn’t even lunch time and I had already managed to cry .. no small sobs.. a full on cry.. at work. With people around.. AWESOME.

 

Let’s chronicle these events post lunch / post work.

 

I was feeling pretty crappy and I decided that I needed to get my life together and remind myself that whoever this current person thinks she is or isn’t.. is not the case.. so I grabbed a piece of paper and started writing myself a letter..





 I looked over at my ‘Sassy YET Classy’ mug and I had ONE stamp left.. It was a 20 second debate.. should I go full on therapist  and mail the letter out to my home address? Answer: YES. There I am writing away the things that only I know I can change and the things I know will never change.. the things that define me and make me who I am.. and Who I want to be… not Who I’ve been told I am, or have been told to be.. It was incredibly liberating. I folded it up and put it in a hallmark card envelope I had left over from a Mother’s Day card … I stamped it and after work I drove over to the post office and dropped it in the box. Today at some point in the afternoon I will be opening up the letter and probably thinking WTF. I’m not sure that I remember 90% of what I wrote.. ( Believe me when I say I’m having an emotional breakdown.. I cried while writing it too.. so.. IDK.. Major WTF) .


After the post office, I decided to go see my Aunt/Cousins that are visiting from Florida.. I took Thor over to make it a little less awkward … given that I haven’t ever actually met them in person.. (kids.. not aunt) .. and it worked. Thor is my lucky charm.


It was very brief but it was quite pleasant.

 

I drove over to my parents’ house to hang out with my mom and mellie.. we chatted and I expressed to them how I’ve been feeling the last couple of weeks. Let’s just say my mom and I are both very opinionated and don’t necessarily always see eye to eye or meet in the middle.. so somewhere in the middle of my distress .. instead of finding comfort.. I started a fight. My mom and I got into it and then she started bringing up more stuff and I was like WHOA WHOA WHOA.. This is my turn. To tell you how I feel. We ended up arguing and I left pissed. Really Pissed. WELL.. As the Lord would have it… there I am at the stop light getting ready to turn onto the main road when this dumbass decides to make the WIDEST turn of his life and by God’s grace he did not crash into me.. he was about a millisecond a way from squishing me and Thor.. AND to top it off.. he still HONKED AT ME.. I WAS LIKE YO BRO.. ARE YOU KF –ing KIDDING ME!!! YOU ALMOST HURT ME AND MY BABY YOU DUMBASS!! I really can’t reason with people. They’re too much to deal with. 

 

In that moment I realized that I needed to turn back and go see my mom and apologize for the way that I had acted.. (knowing she probably would not apologize) but I didn’t care.. I could have just died and I didn’t want those to be the last words we spoke to each other… So I did.. I drove back & apologized.. It made me feel a lot better. 

 

I eventually went back home.. I parked and as I was walking towards the front door I realized how freaking hot it was outside..  that can only mean one thing.. POOL TIME!




 I quickly fed Thor.. put my bathing suit on.. and grabbed my flaotie & my magazine.. The pool was dirty from the storm the night before.. but OH WELL you got to take what you can get. I sat there for a good hour just soaking up the sun. It was so relaxing. I want to do it again today.

 

& to top it all off. Giuliana Rancic – Responded to something I wrote her. #goingoffscript

 

As of today.. Thursday Morning.. there’s not much to get done around here.. I’m struggling to even stay awake… my eyes are heavy and droopy.. I’m so sleepy… I did receive some notifications that my Marc Jacobs & Forever 21 orders have been shipped! Whoo Whoo!! 

 




Im telling yall shopping is addicting. Don’t let the consumer.. consume.


Jx.

July 1, 2015

just a little cry-cry time.

I could really go for a snickers bar right now.

 

Man.. I sure did cry yesterday.

 

Twice at work.. (which when described turned into... quiet-whisper-like-sobs)

 

& a nice big ol’ cry when my hubby got home... I think my eyeballs / tear ducts were just waiting anxiously for him to come through the door .. so he could comfort me and kiss my forehead... And remind his Drama Queen wife she would live to see another day.. I just sobbed.. & sobbed some more. 

 

Remember that rut I was talking about? Did I mention it.. I’m pretty sure I did..

 

Well..  it’s sorta-kinda getting out of hand a bit. I eat my feelings away… I think too much about everything.. (literally.. everything), I let the little voices in my head convince me that it’s too hard and that I can’t do it… it’s so bad. I have to figure out how to make THE change or else next thing you know I’ll be posting about how I’m googling “Biggest Loser Casting” and have an audition set. It’s horrible. Is that show even on anymore?

 

Having loads of time on my hands is definitely not helping.  As a matter of fact.. nothing I do here lately helps… I’ve been compulsively online shopping.. It’s got to be the most mental thing ever. I get so excited when my packages come in that I’m starting to think that maybe that’s why I’m doing it.. to have something to look forward to. What a sad little girl I am.

 

I was telling T, that I know exactly how Blessed I am to have all these wonderful people in my life, who are healthy + loving.. as well as the things that God has given to us.. and that may just be one of the reasons it’s hard for me to open up about this.. because I know how little room I have.. to complain about my life.. so little.. that I feel like a selfish bratty bitch every time I do.. It’s just a big heavy rut that I need to figure out how to fix.. before it consumes me.. I know exactly what it is.. and I know that God willing.. I’m the only one who can change it.. ( it goes beyond the food obsession) .. * Not that I have to make a note but I feel like I should – I haven’t gained upwards of 60 + lbs or even 30 lbs… I know I talk like I have but.... I actually weight 115 lbs.. I’m still pretty small.. It’s that belly jelly that’s giving me the Mariah Carey feels POST Tommy Motola and ONE of the MANY reasons why I’m just feeling kinda blah..

 

I need to get my life in check. Pronto. Before I freak myself out enough to the point that I end up just sub coming to this current state of mind.. For the rest of this life.

 

Ay-ay-ay-ay….

 

Jx. 

 

June 26, 2015

Long story short.

Sorta kinda filming #Friday 

Man the last 48 hours have been a whirlwind between a new baby + makeup + pictures + shopping + family. 

I was reminded that when you really love someone you don't have to share the same blood line to feel their joy and cry along. Family is not always blood, but it is always a blessing. 

----
As for me... 

Basically: 'At twenty (2) years of age I'm still looking for a dream.. A war's already waged.. For my destiny.. But he's.. already won the battle.. And he's got great plans for me.. Though I can't always see .. ' 

I know he'll show me in his timing.. NOT mine. 

On the other hand totally just loving life & this shirt cause it's kinda my thing.. 


.....


Cause we're bad news .. 


& this one because he's my baby love. 

Happy Firday! 

Jx. 

June 24, 2015

Forget this, Forget that

I forgot to wear pink today. 

 

:\ .. I also forgot to wake up on time for work.. and I also forgot my badge to get into the building/parking lot .. awesome.

 

It’s been sorta-kind-a one of those mornings.. where everything is like ‘hurry hurry blah blah’ .. except I’m ok with waking up with only 30 min to get ready.. because hubby and I we’re in the middle of some awesome sleep… after yet.. another failed attempt to wake up at 5;30 am to work out.. YIKES.. there’s $60 we won’t’ see again for the month of June.. We’re still holding out hope for the month of July (Fingers Crossed) ! The badge thing was really no biggie.. I’m about 4 min from my house so I just turned around stormed in got my badge and came to work.. Yay!

 

The Pink thing.. well.. refer back to the part where I woke up late today and just threw on this baggy gray top.. because A: I forgot it was Wednesday – B: I was rushing & C: It’s whatevs.

 

I seriously have no clue where this year has already gone? We’re sitting pretty in the middle of June.. a little past the middle now.. and literally next weekend is Fourth Of July.. OH MA GAWD.

 

Hey, Just Thankful to be alive & have all my happy baby loves alive, well & healthy.

 

Currently – I am indulging myself in some of Giuliana Rancic’s Antics in “Going Off Script” So far I’m loving it. I love her.. so there’s really no way I wouldn’t like the book.. unless she tried to go all conservative and not say ‘amaze balls’ anymore.. yup.. that would pretty much have me jumping off the Giuliana band wagon .. 



By the way... she’s got a major boss lady hair cut on the cover.. which Is making me rethink this whole “growing my hair out” phase I’m in at the moment.. BUT.. I’ve already had that type of haircut and two or three similar ones after the first one.. There may not be any more room for me and the short hair thing.. Yeah.. still holding out hope for mermaid hair.. COME BACK SOON PLEASE!!

 

Also, let’s discuss transitioning from powder to gel/pomade for eyebrow makeup..  HARDEST TRANSITION OF LIFE.. Which could really well be.. a possibly a harder transition than Bruce Jenner trying to convince himself and the world that he’s a woman..  I refuse to pay $20 + for a product that I’m trying out for the first time.. UNLESS I deem I WANT it that bad in my life.. Anastasia of Beverly Hills was DEFINITELY out of the question.. so I went with something much more affordable.. and something that I had been reading was considered a ‘dupe’ for the AOBH product.. NYX.. saved the day.. I bought both the gel & the pomade .. one darker than the other.. but I still bought both because.. well a girl needs options.. I can safely say the first day I used it – hated the GEL.. I felt like a straight up hood rat chola with my drawn in eyebrows.. I totally over did it.. I was starting to question whether I should go and return it or not.. then the sun went down and came back up and that is when I decided to use the pomade.. OH MY ANGELS.. Perfection! * NOTE: You do have to purchase an angled eyebrow brush to get the ‘desired’ look.. or else.. you’ll be looking CRAY and straight edged..  The pomade rocked my world.. However I must admit.. I made a partial transition.. for the inner part of the eye brow I did still use powder because it makes it look a lot more natural and less harsh.. but they turned out great! Day three and we’re doing pretty good.. love ya NYX... (That stain on my hand is from the pomade.. I've washed my hands since this morning.. Point being its for sure waterproof).

 

It’s mid-week and I’m loving it despite all the little forgetful bits..

 

Jx.