July 27, 2015

The glory is yours.

"
Before I speak a word
Let me hear Your voice
And in the midst of pain

Let me feel Your joy
I wanna know You
I wanna find You
In every season
In every moment

Before I speak a word
I will bring my heart
And seek You

First. "

Trial after trial. Mountain over Mountain. Raging Sea over Sea. Fire over Fire.

In the flesh I step out and I am weak. To the point where I've literally fallen to the floor. In the Spirit I am strong. Knowing, where I am at this very moment. Is exactly where HE wants me to be. Holding on to his every word. Over come with all kinds of emotions in knowing that if.... HE.... IS FOR ME, THEN WHO CAN BE AGAINST ME? ... 

& If this is a solid reminder from God.. to keep him FIRST.

HE WILL NEVER again.. be second.

Father you are so merciful & wonderful in everything that YOU DO.. and even when it feels as if you aren't listening to every word that pours out of my soul.. I know you are.. because you already know what I'm going to say before I even say it.. you already know what I'm going to do before I even have the thought come to mind. I love you father. I trust you. & the more I seek you, the deeper I fall in love with you. I want you. I need you. I can't be without you. & In this very moment, flood my heart, my spirit, my soul with you peace, your love and your super natural strength that only you can give.. I'm ready for this battle, because I know WHO goes BEFORE ME.. You shut the mouths of lions. You parted the sea for Moses. You allowed the three men who we're loyal & faithful to you to survive the fire. You allowed Peter to walk on water.. You stood before David as he stoned Goliath. You ARE A REAL GOD. You are LIVING. You are no longer on the cross. You are in heaven. Looking down on all of your children who call on you name. I am your princess. I am your daughter. & NO ONE messes with the DAUGHTER of the KING OF KINGS. I stand firm on your word. Your promises and on the faith that only you give me. You know who I was, Who I am, and Who I will become. I trust you, love, honor and seek YOU first.


July 15, 2015

Back in the groove.. Kind of.

While I’ve been away I’ve been battling the hole I put myself in all of last week.

Things aren’t much better, but they are a little less worse than they we’re so.. that’s gotta to count for something.

 

There are three things that I know I can lean on, when times get rough.. My God, My Faith & HIS word.

 

I’ve caught myself plenty of times this last week just plopping down on the couch, in the shower, in my car and in my cube to talk to him. Out loud, quietly, in whispers, or just in my head.

 

Life is hard. Especially when you’re fighting for two.

 

& that’s about as deep as we’ll go for today.

 

I really have to work on the *honesty is the best policy (but with boundaries) .. at least on my blog anyway.. and with some folks.

 

Some people care about you momentarily.. and then there’s those few who care because they actually want to see you be happy.

 

I’m slowly seeing through the faux.

 

What a shallow existence. I’m guilty. I bought some more clothes.. online.. I know! I know!  I have to stop!

 

BUT WHY do they give you $0.99 cent shipping! WHY!!!!!!! Plus.. additional 50-60 % already marked down clearance!

 

It’s a trap.

 

Maybe after lunch today ( AKA Nap time ) I’ll have some clarity to share some of the things I’m doing!

 

I need to involve myself a bit more – with myself. 

 

Jx.

July 10, 2015

r e s p e c t

I've been away the last couple of days. 

Basically having one of the shittiest weeks of life. 

I can't pretend. So I withdraw.

I know I can be too much of an open book and sometimes a little too honest.. but for once.. I can honesty say.. I don't want to be honest. I don't want to be open. I just want to let be. 

Jx. 

July 2, 2015

random.

Yesterday was one of the most random days ever.

 

I was basically riding the Titan of emotional roller coasters.. (yet again)..  It wasn’t even lunch time and I had already managed to cry .. no small sobs.. a full on cry.. at work. With people around.. AWESOME.

 

Let’s chronicle these events post lunch / post work.

 

I was feeling pretty crappy and I decided that I needed to get my life together and remind myself that whoever this current person thinks she is or isn’t.. is not the case.. so I grabbed a piece of paper and started writing myself a letter..





 I looked over at my ‘Sassy YET Classy’ mug and I had ONE stamp left.. It was a 20 second debate.. should I go full on therapist  and mail the letter out to my home address? Answer: YES. There I am writing away the things that only I know I can change and the things I know will never change.. the things that define me and make me who I am.. and Who I want to be… not Who I’ve been told I am, or have been told to be.. It was incredibly liberating. I folded it up and put it in a hallmark card envelope I had left over from a Mother’s Day card … I stamped it and after work I drove over to the post office and dropped it in the box. Today at some point in the afternoon I will be opening up the letter and probably thinking WTF. I’m not sure that I remember 90% of what I wrote.. ( Believe me when I say I’m having an emotional breakdown.. I cried while writing it too.. so.. IDK.. Major WTF) .


After the post office, I decided to go see my Aunt/Cousins that are visiting from Florida.. I took Thor over to make it a little less awkward … given that I haven’t ever actually met them in person.. (kids.. not aunt) .. and it worked. Thor is my lucky charm.


It was very brief but it was quite pleasant.

 

I drove over to my parents’ house to hang out with my mom and mellie.. we chatted and I expressed to them how I’ve been feeling the last couple of weeks. Let’s just say my mom and I are both very opinionated and don’t necessarily always see eye to eye or meet in the middle.. so somewhere in the middle of my distress .. instead of finding comfort.. I started a fight. My mom and I got into it and then she started bringing up more stuff and I was like WHOA WHOA WHOA.. This is my turn. To tell you how I feel. We ended up arguing and I left pissed. Really Pissed. WELL.. As the Lord would have it… there I am at the stop light getting ready to turn onto the main road when this dumbass decides to make the WIDEST turn of his life and by God’s grace he did not crash into me.. he was about a millisecond a way from squishing me and Thor.. AND to top it off.. he still HONKED AT ME.. I WAS LIKE YO BRO.. ARE YOU KF –ing KIDDING ME!!! YOU ALMOST HURT ME AND MY BABY YOU DUMBASS!! I really can’t reason with people. They’re too much to deal with. 

 

In that moment I realized that I needed to turn back and go see my mom and apologize for the way that I had acted.. (knowing she probably would not apologize) but I didn’t care.. I could have just died and I didn’t want those to be the last words we spoke to each other… So I did.. I drove back & apologized.. It made me feel a lot better. 

 

I eventually went back home.. I parked and as I was walking towards the front door I realized how freaking hot it was outside..  that can only mean one thing.. POOL TIME!




 I quickly fed Thor.. put my bathing suit on.. and grabbed my flaotie & my magazine.. The pool was dirty from the storm the night before.. but OH WELL you got to take what you can get. I sat there for a good hour just soaking up the sun. It was so relaxing. I want to do it again today.

 

& to top it all off. Giuliana Rancic – Responded to something I wrote her. #goingoffscript

 

As of today.. Thursday Morning.. there’s not much to get done around here.. I’m struggling to even stay awake… my eyes are heavy and droopy.. I’m so sleepy… I did receive some notifications that my Marc Jacobs & Forever 21 orders have been shipped! Whoo Whoo!! 

 




Im telling yall shopping is addicting. Don’t let the consumer.. consume.


Jx.